Ayers To Teach was very helpful read and
addressed a lot of the emotional strains of teaching. It was also reassuring
because I felt like I was having a conversation with someone who had dealt with
everything I am going through, and they were telling me that I’m on the right
path and it would be okay. I wish I
would’ve taken another look at the text this morning because I just had the
worst teaching experience ever, and I’m really frustrated.
The students in my
Co-Lab class were really disrespectful today and I couldn’t get through the
great lesson I thought I had planned for them. My day started out pretty hectic
as the computer lab ran out of paper and I couldn’t print their articles in
time. Coupled with their behavior my irritation is at an all time high.
I feel like I have
a lot of struggling kids who are acting out because they are struggling. They
either refuse to participate or are very disrespectful and disruptive to mask
their frustration with school. Some of my students are confrontational because
they want their friends to think they’re “bad” and maybe the best way to prove
that you are is to challenge the teacher; but they’re in for a rude awakening
because there is nothing “bad” about these kids to me.
The most difficult
thing is that I really care about their success and it really bothers me that I
don’t know how to help them. I don’t want to write them up or scream at them
every class period. I don’t want to be that teacher. I wish I could have a
conversation with them, but I don’t think they trust me enough.
The hardest part
is that the people I work with are lost as well. My inclusion teacher doesn’t
even know what to do with the students and the one’s I’m having issues with are
the students she’s responsible for. I’ve realized that she is not getting any
type of support from the administration and has kind of been thrown in without
any guidance.
It’s just crazy
how different this class is from my Pre-AP class. The students are so much more
motivated because they have the confidence to be and I’m beginning to wonder if
I can help my other students with their confidence or is it out of my hands.
All in all, I need
to take another look at Ayers because I don’t want to take this frustration
home. I want to be hopeful and encouraging
when I see them again on Wednesday.
I'm really drawn to your comment that the people who work with your co-lab students seem lost as well. It's powerful to be able to see how everyone who works in schools--from administrators to teachers to students experience their own strains, lack of supports, and struggles with fulfilling their "role" in school. I see you pointing to so much already of the elements that you'd need to address in helping your kids participate in learning with you--trust, relationship building over time, confidence. You also identify the power of labeling--as AP or remedial or special education--and just how loud a message that sends to students about what others believe they can do or should be like in school. Ayers talks about most of the development of teacher practice being formed in the in-service years of teaching. Although I push back some on the limits he places on the role of the teacher education experience, you do have so many years and so much more room and agency than you have now to address all of these elements that you are learning to identify and think productively about during your teacher preparation program.
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